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A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem, Carol? I hope it's not homework again." "Well, uh, yes, it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework paper into a paper airplane." "Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in." "Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the plane was hijacked."
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1
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
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2
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
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3
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
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4
Here's a sick one... So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off her late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum. The mortician objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffin closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a tear coming from his eye. She says "Hurts doesn't it, you son of a bitch!"
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5
Saddam Hussein calls President Clinton and tells him, "Bill, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner." "What did it say on the banners?" Clinton asks. Saddam replies, "Allah is god, god is Allah." Clinton says, "You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner." "What could you see on the banners?" Saddam asks. Clinton replies, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew."
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6
GIRL'S CONFESSION The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. "So me and my cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to my bedroom..." "Go on, my child," said the priest gently. "I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his hand on my....on my..." "Go on." "On my pussy," stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen. "And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself." "Yes, go on," the priest directed. "I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall," the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, "and he began to shove it in me so hard..." "Yes, yes... Go on," he urged, breathing hard. "And then we heard the front door slam--" "Oh, SHIT!!!!
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7
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're finally together." A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."
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8
Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ... Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money. Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth. Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.
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9
The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport. Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?" The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?" He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."
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10
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