Today's jokes [2.21.21]
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Q: Mommy, Mommy! What's an orgasm?
A: I don't know dear, ask your father.
The Hazards of Kicking the Cat
There was a little boy with a bad attitude. He was at home one day
doing his chores. He
was feeding the chickens and he got mad and kicked one across the
yard. He was feeding
the hogs and got mad and kicked the hell out of one of them also. He
was milking the cow
and it kept hitting him in the face with its tail so he kicked it,
too. His mom had been
watching him and told him he couldn't have any chicken, beef, or pork
for a month
because he was a mean little bastard. She told him to wait 'til his
dad got home. His dad
came home and tripped over the pussy cat and he got mad and kicked
that cat across the
room. The little boy looked at his mom and said, "Are you going to
tell him or am I?"
Embarrassing moments The following are the top three
winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest in New Woman Magazine.
1)"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to
release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab
hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other
patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*,
she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said
in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don't let me go right now, I
will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the
tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my
dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last
thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter"
* Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia
2)"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home,
but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my
girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. "As we lay in bed after
making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my
girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we
didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When
we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a
whole crowd of people yelled, 'SURPRISE!' My entire family - aunts,
uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there!
My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment
for what seemed like an eternity. "Since then, no one in my family has
planned a surprise party again." * Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
3)A lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she
finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had
no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the
intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON
LANE THIRTEEN,TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at
the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "tampax" for
"THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the
intercom: "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE
KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
The 70-year old groom and the 25-year old bride attracted raised eyebrow
attention as they checked into the resort hotel. Next morning at eight
sharp, the groom came into the dining room whistling a gay tune, sat down
at a table and ordered ham and eggs. The smile on his face and the twinkle
in his eye told everybody present that he was happy and confident.
Fifteen minutes later the young bride slowly trudged into the dining room
and seated herself across from her 70-year old. Her face was drawn and her
voice weak as she ordered toast and coffee.
The groom, now finished, excused himself and strolled into the lobby for
his morning cigar.
As the waitress approached with the bride's toast and coffee, she said,
"Honey, I don't understand it. Here you are a young bride with an old
husband, looking like you've encountered a buzz saw."
"That guy," said the bride, "double crossed me. He told me he saved up for
60 years and I thought he was talking about money!"
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to
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