Today's jokes [1.3.21]

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At The Superbowl

   Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
   Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is
   in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the
   Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
   quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the
   50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through
   the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
   As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
   me, is anyone sitting here?"
   The man said "no".
   Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the
   man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would
   have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
   The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
   supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
   Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
   "That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone
   to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
   "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation.
After a while one of them said, "You think you have
family problems? Listen to my situation: A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up
daughter and we got married. Lately, my father
married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter
my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also
my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a
son. This boy was my half brother because he was my
father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's
daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That
made me grandfather of my half-brother. This was
nothing until my wife and I had a son.
     Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is
also the grandmother. This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my
father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law,
my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my
father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you
think you have family problems.

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a
hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"
The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in
his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,
and tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever
seen!"
The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the
morning when he makes the doughnuts!"and orders a
hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"
The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in
his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,
and tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever
seen!"
The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the
morning when he makes the doughnuts!"

The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting 
together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across 
their path, totally nude. "Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui!" the 
Frenchman said, smacking his lips.

So the Italian shot her.

                      Standardized Guide to the Bases
     
   
Do you remember middle school/junior high/high school?
If so, do you remember talking about 'the bases' with your friends?
"Yeah man, at the dance, X and Y went behind the gym and they got to
second base!"
Well that was cool and all, but what the hell was second
base? Tongue kissing?  Up the shirt? Noone was really sure. Also, the
bases tended to get progressively more intense as you got older. What's a
person to do?
Here, we mourn the passing of using baseball ananlogies to describe
sexual activity.  But let's face it, there are more than four stages in
todays day and age of sex play.  So, in the interests of both bringing
baseball sex metaphors in line with the complications of modern romance
and with standardizing the bases, we present the Standardized Guide to the
Bases.
First, let's examine what the bases could have meant in the old days.

 --First Base-  This was almost always kissing, although one guy
I knew thought it meant holding hands.  Sometimes it was tongue
kissing and sometimes not.

--Second Base-  Variously this meant tongue kissing, breast feeling, or
outside the clothes genital contact.

--Third Base-  Usually this was a hand down the pants of you or your
partner.

--Home Run-  This was ALWAYS sex, although it was rarely reached in
the times when you had to refer to it in terms of bases.

Well that system is ok, if you are a young teenager with a repressed
sex drive.  But what happens when you reach maturity and new factors enter
the equation, such as oral sex?  And what about the exact definitions?
Well we have attempted to answer such puzzling questions and present without
further ado...

                          Standardized Guide to the Bases!

--On Deck-  Having plans for a date
--Strike-Out-  Duh!!
--Walk-  Kissing
--Bunt-  Masturbation
--Single-  Tongue kissing
--Double-  Breasts/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of
  grabbing and feels
--Triple-  Most of the clothes off, genital contact, mutual
  masturbation
--Inside the park home run-  Oral Sex
--Home Run-  SEX!
--Ground Rule Double-  would have sex, but no condom
--Error-  Condom breaks during sex
--Banned for life for gambling-  sex without condom
--Hall of Fame-  Marriage

       Now that we've got the basics, let's introduce some terms to
better explain all the things that can happen now a days.

--Balk-  Premature ejaculation
--Pine Tar- KY jelly
--Relief pitcher-  Vibrator
--Rain Delay-  parents/roommate return home unexpectedly
--Box Seats-  Waterbed
--Seventh Inning Stretch-  Unusual positions
--Rookie-  Virgin
--Minor Leagues-  Under 18
--Loaded Bases-  manage a trois
--Grand Slam-  Sex three times in twelve hours
--Foul tip-  VD
--Three up and three down-  impotency

Now that we have the definitions, lets quickly contrast
the old confusion with current clarity.

OLD WAY- we um got to third base i guess and then we um got like
past third base, but not to home plate.  i really like her.
NEW WAY- first, there was a triple, then we got and inside the
park home run, and started thinking, it's hall of fame time.
NEW WAY- So there i was with the bases loaded and nobody out,
when i balked during the seventh inning stretch and i had to call in
a relief pitcher.

Well, there you have it, i hope it has cleared up a lot of
the confusion and helps you out.

I hope that you enjoy this little tarticle on America's favorite pastime!
Douglas K. Blystone
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Rule 2.

Section3.

The referee shall have the power to make decisions on any point not
specifically covered in the rules.
  

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