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Today's jokes [9.9.20]

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Chinese Subtitles



From a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, Compiled
by Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book *Sex & Zen & a Bullet in
the Head*, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper's, June
1996.

I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

You always use violence.  I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

I have been scared shitless too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?



1. 





A husband and wife were in their back yard, and he was noticing her
expanding backside. He commented, "Boy, your ass is getting big.almost as
big as the gas grill here." She angrily stomped across the yard, and he
followed saying, "Yep, that thing is getting huge." At this, the wife
retreated to the far side of the yard. Soon he approached with a tape
measure, acquired the width, and exclaimed, "It IS as big as the gas
grill!"

Later that night when they were in bed, the husband started making moves on
his wife. She just turned away. "C'mon, honey," he said, "what's wrong?"
Her cold reply was, "I'm not firing up this grill for just one little
weiner!"

2. 




A blond sees a brunette standing in the middle of the highway.
The brunette keeps saying, "88, 88, 88..."
The blond calls to her as the cars and trucks wizz past.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm counting cars,"comes the rely. "Want to help?"
"Sure!" says the blond. She walks out to the middle of the
highway to the brunette and starts saying "88, 88, 88.."
All the time the cars are dodging the two woman. Then a big semi
drives by and runs over the blond. The brunnette calmly walks
down the highway, picks a new spot, and starts muttering, "89, 89, 89..."

Sent by Kellie

3. 




   "Father! Father! An old man on crutches walked up to the holy water a
   minute ago, and he
   splashed some on his right leg and then he threw away his right
   crutch! Then he splashed
   some more on the other leg and threw away his left crutch!" "My boy,
   you've witnessed a
   miracle! What happened then?" "He fell on his ass Father he's a
   cripple you know!"
   


4. 




What is black and sits at the top of a set of stairs?

A quadraplegic in a house fire.

5. 



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