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Today's jokes [9.8.20]

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It's Christmas time and Paddy and Shaun decided to go look for a Christmas 
Tree. They gathered their axe, a sled, and a broom to brush the trees off 
so they can get a good look at them. When they finally reach a fine stand 
of trees, Shaun brushes off the first tree, and stands back with Paddy to 
look at it. "Well, Paddy, What do you think?"
"Sorry, Shaun, this tree won't do. Let's try another one". They come upon 
another nice tree, Shaun brushes it off, and they both look at it. "How 
about this one, Paddy?" "Not quite, Shaun. Let's keep looking".
This goes on until nightfall. Both Paddy and Shaun are cold, tired, and 
hungry. "Well, Paddy, what do we do now?" "Shaun, I think we should take 
home the next tree we find, whether it has lights on it or not..."

1. 




Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye (or maybe it was Neil 
McNell from Barra, but anyway..) went to study at an English 
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the 
other students there. After he had been there a month, his 
mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of 
tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she 
asked. 

"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The 
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't 
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all 
night."

"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful 
noisy English neighbours?"

"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here 
quietly, playing my bagpipes."

2. 




   An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming
   fourth wedding.
   "Father," she said, "How am I going to tell my husband that I am still
   a virgin?" "My
   child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that
   cannot be," he replied.
   "Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted
   to do was talk. The
   next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it
   tomorrow. The last one was
   a gynecologist and all he did was look at it. But this time, Father,
   I'm marrying a lawyer,
   so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!"
   


3. 




Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub 
late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old 
graveyard.
"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, 
God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says 
here that he was 95 when he died."
Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 
years old!"
"What was his name?" asks Paddy.
Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is 
written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."

4. 




    The blind date hadn't been all that great and she was
   relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, he
   suddenly said "Hey! You wanna see my underwear?" Before she could
   respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing
   that he wasn't wearing any. She glanced down and said, "Nice design,
   does it also come in men's sizes ?


5. 



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