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Today's jokes [9.15.20]

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British Military Officer Fitness Reports



The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports).  The form used
for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206.  The following are
actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,
  but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
  whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
  satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
  at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
  he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
  port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
  them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
  trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure



1. 




   Mr. Schneider stood up in court. "As God is my judge, I do not owe my
   ex-wife any money."
   
   Glaring down at him, the judge replied, "He's not.  I am.  You do."


2. 




What two things in the air will get a women pregnant? 

     Her legs. 

3. 




The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive 
imported panties. "After all, dear," she said to her husband, "you 
wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?"

"No," her husband replied.
"Nor would I expect to find gift wrapping on a dead beaver."

4. 




A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job.
The officer wants to ask her a few questions.... 
Officer: What's 2+2? 
Blonde: Ummmmm... 4! 
Officer: What's the square root of 100? 
Blonde: Ummmm... 10! 
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln? 
Blonde: Ummmm... I dunno. 
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow. 
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she 
got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm 
already working on a murder case!"

5. 



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