Today's jokes [9.11.20]
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Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no
arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a
head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all
in the pool.
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with
no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can
still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he
decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and
places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head
starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three
years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two
minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
A fellow walks into a bar, and his eye is quickly drawn to a large
glass bowl filled with ten dollar bills. Intrigued, he asks the
bartender why the bowl is there. The bartender explains that it's an
ongoing challenge at this particular bar.
"For ten bucks you get a shot at three tasks -- if you complete them
all successfully, you'll get yer ten bucks back, along with the rest
of the money."
The fellow expresses an interest in the idea.
"Well," says the bartender, "it sounds a lot easier than it really is.
A lot of guys haven't been able to hack it. You gotta drink a whole
one of those kegs in the corner over there -- then there's this crazy
mad pit bull out back, through that door -- he's crazy on account of
he's got an infected tooth, so you'll have to pull that."
Some of the regulars start to pay attention to the guy, so he inflates
his chest and prods the bartender on.
"Well," says the bartender, "then you gotta -- upstairs is the lady
who owns this place -- she's pretty old, but you gotta -- well, you
gotta make her finish if you know what I mean."
"Bring her to orgasm?" asks the fellow.
"Yup," says the bartender. "That's the third thing."
Without hesitation, the guy proudly places a new ten dollar bill into
the bowl, and sets off to the nearest keg in the corner. The regulars
stare on, having seen many men fail.
After successfully draining the keg in record time, the man makes his
way out the back door, surprisingly staggering very little. For a good
half hour, painful sounds of growling and crashing come through the
wall as the regulars shoot knowing looks in each other's directions.
As the clamor outside subsides, and the bartender starts to add ten to
the running total cash pot, the fellow staggers in through the back
door, bloody, clothing in shreds, with a determined look in his eye.
The others look on in amazement as he claps his hands together and
"Alright, now where's that ugly old lady needs her fuckin' tooth
One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to
female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man
mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The
his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very
excited by this,
was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up
his wife but
before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her
head with the
blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell
you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with
A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the
local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He
decided to seek compensation for his ailment.
Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is
interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish
to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to
protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead
suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept
in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, thatís right. All lead.
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
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