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Today's jokes [9.11.20]

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Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no 
arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a 
head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all 
in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with 
no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the 
bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can 
still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he 
decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and 
places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head 
starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three 
years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two 
minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap 
on me!"

1. 




How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many can you afford?



2. 




   A fellow walks into a bar, and his eye is quickly drawn to a large
   glass bowl filled with ten dollar bills. Intrigued, he asks the
   bartender why the bowl is there. The bartender explains that it's an
   ongoing challenge at this particular bar.
   
   "For ten bucks you get a shot at three tasks -- if you complete them
   all successfully, you'll get yer ten bucks back, along with the rest
   of the money."
   
   The fellow expresses an interest in the idea.
   
   "Well," says the bartender, "it sounds a lot easier than it really is.
   A lot of guys haven't been able to hack it. You gotta drink a whole
   one of those kegs in the corner over there -- then there's this crazy
   mad pit bull out back, through that door -- he's crazy on account of
   he's got an infected tooth, so you'll have to pull that."
   
   Some of the regulars start to pay attention to the guy, so he inflates
   his chest and prods the bartender on.
   
   "Well," says the bartender, "then you gotta -- upstairs is the lady
   who owns this place -- she's pretty old, but you gotta -- well, you
   gotta make her finish if you know what I mean."
   
   "Bring her to orgasm?" asks the fellow.
   
   "Yup," says the bartender. "That's the third thing."
   
   Without hesitation, the guy proudly places a new ten dollar bill into
   the bowl, and sets off to the nearest keg in the corner. The regulars
   stare on, having seen many men fail.
   
   After successfully draining the keg in record time, the man makes his
   way out the back door, surprisingly staggering very little. For a good
   half hour, painful sounds of growling and crashing come through the
   wall as the regulars shoot knowing looks in each other's directions.
   
   As the clamor outside subsides, and the bartender starts to add ten to
   the running total cash pot, the fellow staggers in through the back
   door, bloody, clothing in shreds, with a determined look in his eye.
   The others look on in amazement as he claps his hands together and
   says,
   
   "Alright, now where's that ugly old lady needs her fuckin' tooth
   pulled?"
   


3. 




   One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to
   discover a
   female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man
   gained the
   mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The
   mouse repeated
   his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very
   excited by this,
   was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up
   his wife but
   before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her
   head with the
   blanket. "Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell
   you about this."
   "Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with
   you!"
   


4. 




A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the 
local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He 
decided to seek compensation for his ailment. 
Upon his arrival at the workers' compensation department, he is 
interviewed by an assessor.

Assessor: I see you work with radio-active materials and wish 
to claim compensation. 
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. 
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to 
protect you from radiation poisoning? 
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. 
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? 
Trucker: Oh yeah. That's lead lined, all lead lined. 
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? 
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. 
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead 
suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radio-active waste is kept 
in a lead container. 
Trucker: Yeah, thatís right. All lead. 
Assessor: Then I can't see how you could claim against him for 
radiation poisoning. 
Trucker: I'm not. I claiming for lead poisoning.

5. 



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