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Today's jokes [9.10.20]

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Woman walks into her psychiatrists office and says:
"Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about freudian
slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. 
I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say,
"please pass the salt," but instead I said,
"You god damn bitch, you ruined my life." 

1. 




Good News, Bad News, Worse News VI
 
  Good: 
        Your wife's not talking to you
   Bad: 
        She wants a divorce
 Worse: 
        She's a lawyer

2. 




Stick your tongue out.
Move it up and down.
Relax.
Now move it left and right.
Well done! You have now completed Christopher Reeves workout video.



3. 




   A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a
   particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in
   the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the
   woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye
   she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure,
   she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.
   
   "Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"
   
   The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both
   saw movement around the woman's eyes.
   
   "Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her
   husband and let him know."
   
   Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some
   movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic
   hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles.
   The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a
   little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I
   suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he
   said.
   
   The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several
   moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated.
   The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they
   saw the husband zipping up his jeans.
   
   "Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."
   


4. 




Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want 
ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very 
nervous man who ran a small business that he had started 
himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. 
"But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for 
me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want 
to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the 
money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job 
pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How 
can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

5. 



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