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Today's jokes [6.14.20]

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An advantage of being with an older woman

If you act immature enough and hang around long enough, an older woman 
will just mistake you for another one of her children and let you live at 
her house rent-free. Older women can afford to support you.


1. 




A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her
company at home.
She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it
wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun
to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large beautiful parrot.

She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.
The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking
and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first
that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says
pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the
bird. She said she would buy it anyway.
The petshop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.
She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it
to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her,
and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought
that's not so bad.
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned
from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than
began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the
woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and
said, "New house, new madam, new whores, Hi George!"

2. 




Father Goose Story No. 1



It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give
birth at about the same time.  The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the
birthing was done on a deer hide.  The 2nd also gave birth to a boy, but this
was done on a bear hide.  And, the third had twins, two boys, and
she did this on a hippopotamus hide.

This means that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide
is equal to the sons of the squaws on the other two hides.



3. 




Q: Why is having a wank like eating McDonald's?
A: Because it's always exactly the same and afterwards you
.swear you'll never do it again.

4. 




   A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along
   and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived
   at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage
   to his precious BMW.
   "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
   "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted
   the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you
   didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
   "Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody
   left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
   


5. 



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