Today's jokes [6.1.20]
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A sailor walks into a bar. The bartender immediately notices that this
is a pretty well built
guy but he has the tiniest little pinhead. After serving the sailor a
couple of drinks,
curiosity finally gets the best of the bartender and he asks the
sailor why he had a normal
sized body with such a tiny head. The sailor tells him this story: "I
was involved in a naval
battle where I was the only survivor. I was stranded on a deserted
island in the middle of
the ocean for months, when I happened across a mermaid while I was
walking on the
beach." She was on the beach and couldn't get back in the water so I
helped her get back
to the ocean, she was so grateful she granted me three wishes. I first
asked to be rescued
off that god forsaken island. She told me that it was no problem, that
the rescue ship was
on the way, and that I still had two more wishes." "Next I asked for a
never ending roll of
twenty dollar bills." Then the sailor reached into his pocket and kept
pulling out 20s and
putting them on the bar. "Finally I said to her, 'I've been on this
island for quite some time
without a woman and I'm quite horny, She said "as you can see from the
waist down I'm a
fish so I'm sorry but I can't help you there." "Well I thought about
it for a minute and said
OK, how about a little head.
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll
in the fields when they came across a cow and a
calf rubbing noses.
"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to
do the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."
Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to
go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his
In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready
to ejaculate, try startling yourself."
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.
At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two
began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later,
felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked,
"How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the
pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my
neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he
came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date
stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old.
They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might
have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.
"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.
"Not very likely," his wife said.
"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went
downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.
With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind
the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a
minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark
corner at the back of the shop.
Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!"
"No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would
have thought they'd still be here after all this time."
The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be
ready Thursday," he said calmly.
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