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Today's jokes [5.18.20]

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Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?
Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone. 

1. 




Q: Did you hear about the dyslectic agnostic with insomnia?
A: He used to lay awake at night wondering if there really was a dog.

2. 




   A guy is stranded on an island with only a Doberman and a pig for
   company. There's
   plenty of food and water, and the weather is beautiful, so he's doing
   alright--but after a few
   months he gets "lonely", if you know what I mean. The pig starts to
   look more and more
   attractive--soft, pink flesh, round buttocks, etc. But every time this
   poor guy makes an
   advance towards the pig, the Doberman snarls at him and once almost
   bit his leg. One day
   the guy sees a speck on the horizon, so he swims out there and it
   turns out to be a dinghy,
   cast adrift, and in the bottom of the boat is a beautiful woman,
   unconscious. He drags her
   to shore and brings her into his hut and slowly nurses her back to
   health. Finally she is
   well enough to walk and she says to him "Thank you, thank you for
   saving my life. I don't
   know how I can ever repay you. I'll do anything for you, anything,
   just name it." The guy
   thinks for a minute and says "Would you mind taking my dog for a
   walk?"
   


3. 




A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally 
swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no
ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, 
undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he 
looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. 
"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

4. 




An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your
religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?

The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...
I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."

The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed
once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he
was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?" 

5. 



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