Today's jokes [5.12.20]
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Microsoft Addresses Justice Department Accusations
REDMOND, Wash. - Oct. 23, 1997 -- In direct response to accusations made by the Department of
Justice, the Microsoft Corp. announced today that it will be acquiring the federal government
of the United States of America for an undisclosed sum.
"It's actually a logical extension of our planned growth", said Microsoft chairman Bill Gates,
"It really is going to be a positive arrangement for everyone".
Microsoft representatives held a briefing in the oval office of the White House with
U.S. President Bill Clinton, and assured members of the press that changes will be "minimal".
The United States will be managed as a wholly owned division of Microsoft. An initial public
offering is planned for July of next year, and the federal government is expected to be
profitable by "Q4 1999 at latest", according to Microsoft president Steve Ballmer.
In a related announcement, Bill Clinton stated that he had "willingly and enthusiastically"
accepted a position as a vice president with Microsoft, and will continue to manage the United
States government, reporting directly to Bill Gates. When asked how it felt to give up the
mantle of executive authority to Gates, Clinton smiled and referred to it as "a relief". He
went on to say that Gates has a "proven track record", and that U.S. citizens should offer
Gates their "full support and confidence". Clinton will reportedly be earning several times
the $200,000 annually he has earned as U.S. president, in his new role at Microsoft.
Gates dismissed a suggestion that the U.S. Capitol be moved to Redmond as "silly", though did
say that he would make executive decisions for the U.S. government from his existing office at
Microsoft headquarters. Gates went on to say that the House and Senate would "of course" be
abolished. "Microsoft isn't a democracy", he observed, "and look how well we're doing". In
addition, Gates said, all state and local branch governments will have to renew their licensing
agreements with the new Microsoft Federal Government in order to keep current liberty rights
intact. "It's not anti-competitive, only acting as any capitalist soverign would toward lesser
When asked if the rumored attendant acquisition of Canada was proceeding, Gates said, "We don't
deny that discussions are taking place".
Microsoft representatives closed the conference by stating that United States citizens will be
able to expect lower taxes, increases in government services and discounts on all Microsoft
Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ "MSFT") is the worldwide leader in software for personal
computers, and democratic government. The company offers a wide range of products and services
for public, business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and
more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing and free
society every day.
About the United States:
Founded in 1789, the United States of America is the most successful nation in the history of
the world, and has been a beacon of democracy and opportunity for over 200 years. Headquartered
in Washington, D.C., the United States is a wholly owned subsidiary of Microsoft Corporation.
During World War II, Hitler told his Nazis to rape as may French women as
they could then say, "In nine months you will have a baby. Name it Adolf.
Heil Hitler!" So a young Nazi soldier, eager to do his duty, dutifully
went out and raped a pretty young French girl. He said, "In nine months
you will have a baby. Name it Adolf. Heil Hitler!" She replied, "In a few
weeks you will have a disease. Name it syphillis. Vive la France!"
Like, A Totally California State Residency Application...
(Feel free to use popular nicknames, such as "Moon Beam", "Dweezil",
"Moon Unit" "Capt. Trips", etc.)
Inner Child's Age: _______
Age in Dog Years: _______
Age as told to you in a vision by ancient Mayan calendar: ________
_____ M _____ F
_____ Still working it out in therapy
Footwear: ____ Birkenstocks ____ Barefoot
Condition of Feet:
____ Wash Daily ____ Wash Weekly
____ Like, whenever I get to
the beach, man...
___ Massage Therapist
___ Astral Counsel
___ Pet Psychologist
___ Channeler of the Dead (real dead, not
___ Follower of the Dead, (Grateful)
___ Tie-dye vendor at Dead Shows
___ Vendor of "nice hot, fresh veggie
burritos" at concerts
___ Cooking up a scheme to channel Jerry
___ Assistant to Shirley MacLaine
___ Rent-A-Mob protester
___ Purveyor of Fine Herbal Remedies
___ Panhandler claiming to be a veteran
___ Professional Guest on Ricki Lake
___ LA rock star groupie
___ Bottom-feeding LA lawyer
___ Professional Emotional Victim
Name(s) of Significant Other(s): ________________________________
Relationship(s) of Significant Other(s):
____ Astral Soulmate
____ One-night stand from the protest rally who stayed because the
____ My dog's massage therapist
____ "Just Friends"
____ They're really not that significant, but I'll try to claim them
Number of Children in Commune: _____
Number of Inner Children In Commune: _____
Number of your Inner Children which have been molested by one of
Roseanne's multiple personalities: ____
Mother's Name: ____________________ Father's Name: ____________________
Where were you were conceived:
____ Under the stars on in the commune's
____ In the back of a VW micro-bus on the
way to a Dead show
Name of book exposing your parents as inner-child abusers:
Number of copies sold: ____
Number of Wind Chimes Owned: ____
Number of times you've given yourself a concussion by hitting head on
wind chimes: ___
Number of time you've channeled dead space aliens: ____
Number of times a space alien has copped a feel off you: ____
Talk Shows on Which You Make a Regular Appearance:
____ Donahue ____ Ricki Lake ____ Geraldo ____ Sally Jesse
____ The morning news' surf report
Number of times you've eaten your surfboard: ____
Above, while still in parking lot after tripping on your sandals: ____
Number of Grateful Dead concerts attended: ____ (if all, enter "on
Number of bongs you own: ____
Number of times you've drunk your bong water because the weed ran out:
Political Party Affiliation: (Choose as many as you have
____ Green Party
____ American Communist
____ Socialist Party
____ New Age Astral Party (channeling the spirits of dead Romans)
____ Hemp Party
____ The Party-Hearty Party ____ Inner Child Abuse
____ New Age Goddess Party
How far is your home from the waterline:
___ I like to wake up with sand in my nose and seaweed in my teeth, in
true harmony with nature as it washes up my nose
Number of surfboards owned: ____
Number of seconds you can talk without using the words "totally",
"like", "man" and "fer shure": ____ (enter, like 0, if you, like,
totally don't know)
Did you hear the latest theory about Monica Lewinsky?
It may never be proven but they think she may be the
youngest woman to have ever held the Presidency.
One day a boy asks his dad,
"What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?"
Dad thought for a minute and said, "Come with me."
He took his son to his mother's bedroom, where she
was sleeping nude. "Son," he whispered, "see that
brown soft furry patch? That is a pussy."
The boy asked, "May I touch it to see how soft and
furry it is?"
"No!" replied his father. "That might wake up the cunt."
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