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Today's jokes [4.5.20]

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A regular Friday night poker game was still going strong
well after midnight when one of the players returned from
the bathroom with an urgent report. 
"Roger, listen," he told the host, "Walter's in the kitchen
making love to your wife." 
"OK, that's it, guys," Roger said. "This is positively
the last deal." 


    A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are
   charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in
   the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!",
   the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and
   said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
   "Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who
   continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an
   electric drill." "Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge
   thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right
   now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next
   to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool
   when I needed to borrow one!"


Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her 
constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a 
"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. 
"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the 
morning and again at night." 
"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"
"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."  


If a man says something in the middle of a forest, and there is no women
around to hear him, is he still wrong?


What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.


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