Today's jokes [3.7.20]
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Little Johnny was in class again.Teacher asked everyone "Can anyone
tell me a sentence
with the word definitely in it?" Meg puts up her hand."The sky is
definitely blue." "Thats
not bad,Meg," says the teacher, "but the sky can be grey or red."
Young Sally tried :"The
grass is definitely green." "Good try Sally,but grass can be yellow or
Suddenly Little Johnny's hand shoots up."Miss Brown does a fart have
teacher was horrified."No of course not Johnny! What are you talking
about?" So Johnny
says,"Well then Miss brown, I've definitely shit my pants!"
Bill of No Rights
Lewis W. Napper
We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get
along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our
nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free
liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one
more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the
terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were
confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No
You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other
form of wealth.
More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on
freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave
the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world
is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver
in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer
to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most
charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we
are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of
professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of
another generation of professional couch potatoes.
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from
the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap,
rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of
us get together and kill you.
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat,
or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised
if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still
won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.
You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in
foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments
and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like.
However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend
so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military
uniform and a funny hat.
You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one,
and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take
advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid
before you to make yourself useful.
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you
have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier
if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by
those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
Copyright #169; Lewis W. Napper. All Rights Reserved.
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets
to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a
bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter:
"Sir! Please stop that immediately."
"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow, "which way was it
A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.
At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle
nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber
being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is
the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are
manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait
a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss,
hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"
"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the
guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."
"Well, that can't be good for the condoms!"
"Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of
a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to
the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat."
The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is
hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself.
The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you
would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.
Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus
driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he
has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the
block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If
you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here."
The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As
she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you
The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies,
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