Today's jokes [3.6.20]
Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes.
Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.
Q: Why couldn't the blond pass her drivers test?
A: Every time the car stopped she jumped in the backseat.
A Scottish cop was asked how he'd break up a crowd.
He answered, "I'd take up a collection!"
How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?
Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve ?
"Stand back .... I don't know how big this thing is going to grow !"
If Scientists Wrote Nursery Rhymes
How many can you solve? (Answers below)
1. A research team proceeded toward the apex of a natural geologic
protuberance, the purpose of their expedition being the procurement of
a sample of fluid hydride of oxygen in a large vessel, the exact size
of which was unspecified. One member of the team precipitantly descended,
sustaining severe fractural damage to the upper cranial portion of his
anatomical structure. Subsequently, the second member of the team
performed a self-rotational translation oriented in the direction taken
by the first member.
2. Complications arose during an investigation of dietary influence: one
researcher was unable to assimilate adipose tissue and another was unable
to consume tissue consisting chiefly of muscle fiber. By reciprocal
arrangement between the two researchers, total consumption of the viands
under consideration was achieved, this leaving the original container of
the viands devoid of contents.
3. A young male human was situated near the intersection of two supporting
structural elements at right angles to each other: said subject was involved
in ingesting a saccharine composition prepared in conjunction with the ritual
observance of an annual fixed-day religious festival. Insertion into the
saccharine composition of the opposable digit of his forelimb was followed
by removal of a drupe of genus prune. Subsequently the subject made a
declarative statement regarding the high quality of his character as a
young male human.
4. A triumvirate of murine rodents totally deviod of ophthalmic acuity
were observed in a state of rapid locomotion in pursuit of an
agriculturalist's marital adjunct. Said adjunct then performed triple
caudectomy utilizing an acutely honed bladed instrument generally used
for the subdivision of edible tissue.
5. A female of the species homo sapiens was the possesor of a small
immature ruminant of the genus ovis, the outer most covering of which
reflected all wavelengths of visible light with a luminosity equal to
that mass of naturally occurring microscopically crystalline water.
Regardless of the translational pathway chosen by the homo sapien, the
probability was 1 that the forementioned ruminent would select the same
6. A human female, extremely captious and given to opposed behavior, was
questioned as to the dynamic state of her cultivated tract of land used
for production of various types of flora. The tract components were
enumerated as argentous tone-producing agents, a rare species of oceaninc
growth and pulchritudinous young females situated in a linear orientation.
1. Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown,
And Jill came tumbling after.
2. Jack Sprat could eat no fat.
His wife could eat no lean.
And so.......(I don't remember the words)
They ate the platter clean.
3. Little Jack Horner
Sat in the corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He stuck in his thumb
And pulled out a plum
And said "What a good boy am I!"
4. Three blind mice, three blind mice
See how they run, see how they run.
They all ran after the farmer's wife
Who cut off their tails with a carving knife
Did you ever see such a sight in your life
As three blind mice.
5. Mary had a Little Lamb
Whose fleece was white as snow.
And everywhere that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
6. Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow.
With silver bells, and cockle shells
And pretty maidens, all in a row.
By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.
Today's StoriesToday's PoemsToday's QuotesToday's Funny Pic
S M T W Th F St
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
8 9 10 11 12 13 14
15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26 27 28
29 30 31