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Today's jokes [3.5.20]

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The Importance Of "Correct Punctuation"

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, 
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and 
inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no 
feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let 
me be yours?

Gloria

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, 
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and 
inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no 
feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you 
let me be?

Yours,
Gloria

1. 




What do you get if you sleep under a cow?

A PAT on the head.


Sent by Jimmy

2. 




What's long and hard that a Greek bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name.

3. 




Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord 
himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. 
"Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked.
"I could eat," said Seymour.
The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.
While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed 
the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.
The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour 
again said, "I could eat."
Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour 
noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and 
chocolates.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. 
Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a 
reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to 
eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't 
understand." 
"To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay 
to cook?"

4. 




A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there,
he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said
Socialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long
line, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the
executive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?"
"They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," the
guard replied.
"And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?"
"The same exact thing," the guard answered.
"Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?"
"Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!" 

5. 



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