Today's jokes [3.24.20]
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An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair
of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said,
"But you just got a new pair last month!"
"Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident,"
stammered the private.
"Accident, what kind of an accident?" The Captain looked in his
book of Accident definitions and glossaries, "Road-march
accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?"
"No, no nothing of those..." said the private.
"Well then, what is it?"
"I'd rather not tell you sir..."
"Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses," said the
medical officer, ready to stand up, "I've to see my patients
"No, no sir wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl,"
blurted the private.
"Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing
"You see, she crossed her legs....."
How do you know a blond has been using your computer?
When the joy stick is wet!
Sent by Richard
What is red and sticky and crawls up a girls thigh?
A home-sick abortion.
Joe is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this
gorgeous woman. Joe, not being too shy, goes up and sits next
to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another.
After this and the accompanying small-talk, Joe asks her back
to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn
into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Joe, "so how many does it take?"
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when
they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the
following symbols in order of appearance.
1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at
least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece
of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from
all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what
they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of
their Society stood up, pointed at the first drawing and said, "This
looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race
as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this
statement you, can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so,
they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they
even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high
intelligence is the fish, which means that they had a famine that hit
the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for
food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they
were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically, the President smiled and
said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our
Suddenly a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and
said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings
say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't
read from left to right, but from right to left... Now, look
again..... It now says:
"HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
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