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Today's jokes [3.18.20]

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A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I can't 
sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that 
I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I 
do?"

"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor." 

1. 




Q: Did you hear about the Mexico City earthquake?
A: It did $100 million worth of improvements.

2. 




Once some boys got together to play poker one 
night, after about 4 hours of playing, Tim had 
severe chest pains and suddenly slumped over, one 
of the gamblers who happened to be a doctor, 
examined him, and to everybodies shock, poor Tim 
had died of a heart attack.
All his friends didn't know how to break the news 
to his wife, finally Johnny said: 'I can be 
diplomatic about it and break the news gently!'.
Johnny rang the bell at Tim's house, and when his 
wife answered the door, he calmly said to her: 
'Tim just gambled with us and lost 1,000 dollars!' 
When Tim's wife heard this she said: 'Tell him to 
just drop dead!' 
Johnny answered: 'That's exactly what he did!'.

3. 




What's green and smells like pig?

     - Kermit's fingers. 

4. 




   A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before
   getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to
   make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she
   is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it's okay
   with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not
   mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a
   marriage.
   
   Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that
   he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is
   just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay
   with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does
   not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more
   important than sex in a marriage.
   
   They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to
   Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her
   clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his
   clothes. One glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell
   to the floor.
   
   After she became conscious the guy asked: "I told you before we got
   married, why did you still faint?"
   
   The girl said: "You told me it was just like a baby".
   
   The guy replied: "Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches".
   


5. 



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