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Today's jokes [2.12.20]

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Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.

1. 




During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across 
the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing 
along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The 
commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run 
up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of the
advancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general 
stops the troops and waits to see what happens.

Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to 
investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be 
seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find 
out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, 
too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entire
division to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.

But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and 
cups his hands to his lips. "Go back!" he shouts. "Go back! It's 
hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"

2. 




Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in
her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even
managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host
could ask her the big question.

Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove
them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! You
know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow.
"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."

Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started
heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to
run. I should be back soon."

After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked
grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" she
cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And the
answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane,
now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.

At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the
quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily
before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as
Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she
knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running
and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane
and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10
seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, the
heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it
into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!" 

3. 




There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night club
ahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner,
who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."

The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on my
way to find a job."

The owner asks, "What do you do?"

The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."

The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper looking
for
someone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for me
if you're interested."

The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talent
and musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifully
than anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"

The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking Their
Brains Out."

The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible name
for such a beautiful song.  Do you know any others?"

The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by this
guy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he does
ask what the name of the song he just played.

The guy answers, "I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."

The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully and
the songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you have
to promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guy
agrees.

That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazed
as the owner was with this man's musical abilities.  After playing two
songs the crowd stood up and applauded.  The guy was really pleased and
stood up to take a bow.  When he stood up and faced the audience, it was
apparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.


One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick and
balls are hanging out?"

The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"

4. 




This very old guy, older than 90, whips back the covers one morning with a 
big hard on.
"What do you think about this, Honey?" he says to his wife.
She says "Now that you have the wrinkles out of it, why don't you wash 
it?"

5. 



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