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Today's jokes [10.22.20]

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A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service
by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on
the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the
president of the board arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the
Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your
respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you
and you have not heard the end of this."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and
says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

1. 




A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to
the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

2. 




POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS
 
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes 
For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemisphere
summer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the
religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice,
with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions 
at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005,
but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures 
whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, and
without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, 
religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform and
operating system of the wishee.
 
By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:
 
1.   The greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.
2.   It is freely transferable with no alteration the original greeting.
3.   It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the
     wishes for her/himself or others.
4.   It is void where prohibited by law, and
5.   It is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher.
 
This wish is warranted to perform as expected with the usual application
of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a 
subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is
limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the
sole discretion of the wisher.
 
Disclaimer:
The color blue has not intentionally been omitted from this season. 
Blue has never applied for recognition as an official colour of this 
particular holiday observance and I neither oppose nor endorse the
use of the color blue.

3. 




THANK YOU

Thank you to all my friends who sent me such important emails this year!
It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!

Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out
from you that it's good for removing toilet stains and rusting the
arse out of 40-gallon drum.

I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected
with a disease.

I smell like a homeless f*@k, but thank goodness I stopped using
deodorant because you said it causes cancer.

I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have
to walk about seventeen blocks, because you said that someone might
drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask
me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with
calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are
nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that
are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds and KFC can sell their
wares.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I would
get sick from the rat faeces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody or talk to anybody
- you said that someone would take my kidneys and leave me taking a 
nap in a bathtub full of ice.

However, the police are also after me at present because you said not
to pull over, as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I
participated in their special e-mail program.

It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and
neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland. But I am
positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to
follow and I got a curse.

4. 




Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He
approached her and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?" She
responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since
you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment
to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk
about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you
haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more
than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across
the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She replied, "Why yes, I do. I 've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He
can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is
one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on
his wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, I
know him." The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very
quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me,
I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

5. 



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