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Today's jokes [10.15.20]

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A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day
by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast
out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat
him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then
left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached
what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a ***** on the phone, I'm
lost! and need directions!"

1. 




Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

2. 




One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the
doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived
to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything
else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor
standing above him.

"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't
worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you
were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested
that your brother Bill name the kids."

"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name
them?"

"He named your daughter Denise."

"Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?"

"He named your son Denephew."

3. 




Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely
packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he
asks if anyone would like him to play a request. A little old Japanese man
jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice

"Play a Jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied
career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes
into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the
whole place goes wild. The little old man jumps up again and shouts

"No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord".

A bit nonplussed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives
straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor
chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this
impromptu show of his technical expertise.

The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a 
Jazz chord".

Well and truly brassed off that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate
his playing ability, Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartie pants!
You get up here and do it!"

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike, and
starts to sing.....

"A jazz chord to say I ruv you................."

4. 




"Hey Bill, I heard you can download the whole
Tyson-Holyfield fight off the internet".
"No kidding? How much memory will it take up?".
"Not much, just two Bytes."

5. 



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