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Today's jokes [1.2.20]

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   An old country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
   It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor
   arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year
   old child.
   
   The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see
   while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the
   mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new
   born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take
   his first breath.
   
   "Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there
   in the first place!!"
   


1. 




The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the 
front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is 
"beautiful". Little Sally, would you please come up here and use 
"beautiful" in a sentence?" Little Sally walked to the front of the room, 
thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful 
woman in the world." Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. 
Little Frankie, your turn." Little Frankie walked to the front of the 
room, thought for a moment and said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning
was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen." Teacher says, "Very 
good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, it's your turn." Little 
Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said, 
"Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and 
he said, "Beautiful, just fucking beautiful." 

2. 




The church was conducting its annual fund drive. One member of the 
congregation said, "I give ten dollars." Just then, a piece of plaster 
fell from the ceiling and landed on his head. He spoke up again quickly. 
"I give a thousand dollars!"
The minister said, "Lord, hit him again!" 

3. 




ARKANSAS MOTHER WRITES HER SON

Dearest Redneck Son,

        I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.  
We don't live where we did when you left home.  Your dad read in 
the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from 
your home, so we moved.
        I won't be able to send you the address because the last 
Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they 
moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
        This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. 
I'm not sure it works so well though.  Last week I put a load of 
clothes in and pulled the chain...we haven't seen them since.
        The weather isn't bad here.  It only rained twice last 
week; the first time for three days and the second time for four 
days.
        About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle 
Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the 
buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
        John locked his keys in the car yesterday.  We were 
really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your 
father out.
        Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found 
out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.
        Uncle Ted fell in a whisky vat last week.  Some men tried
to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drpwmed.
We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
        Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup 
truck.  Ralph was driving.  He rolled down the window and swam  
to safety.  Your other two friends were in back.  They drowned 
because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
        There isn't much more news at this time.  Nothing much 
out of the normal has happened.

                                        Love,   Mom

4. 




Four married guys go golfing.  During the 4th hole the following
conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
golfing this weekend.  I had to promise my wife that I will paint every 
room in the house next weekend."

Second Guy:  "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool."

Third Guy:  "Man, you both have it easy!  I had to promise my wife that I
will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has
not said a word.  So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what 
you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend.  What's the deal?"

Fourth Guy:  "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut 
off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?'  
So she says, "Wear your sweater."

5. 



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