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Today's jokes [1.1.20]

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A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the
letter "R," and all the other kids were, of course,
teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave
him a sentence to practice at home: "Robert gave Richard
a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."
In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to
recite the sentence out loud. 

The boy nervously eyed his classmates -- many of them
already laughing at him -- then replied, "Bob gave Dick
a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."

1. 




Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a 
divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting 
a little queer to sleep with." "What do you mean?" asked the attorney. 
"Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?" "No," replied the 
woman, "and neither does the little queer."

2. 




From one of Tom Clancy's books:
Commanding officer:  "Alright! How about an attitude check???" 
Crew (In Unison): "I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" 

CO: "Now, let's be more positive..." 
Crew: "I POSITIVELY HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" 

CO: "OK, How about a negative attitde check..." 
Crew: "I DON'T LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE!" 

CO: "OK, How about a short attitude check ..?" 
Crew: "FUCK THIS PLACE!"

3. 




A man let out a humongous burp. Nearby, a man loudly says,
"How dare you burp before my wife!" The burper replies,
"Hell, I didn't even know she wanted to go first!" 

4. 




   Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
   service, and she's in tears.
   
   He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?"
   
   She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
   last night."
   
   The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he
   have any last requests?"
   
   She says, "That he did, Father..."
   
   The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
   
   She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the Goddamn gun...'"
   


5. 



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