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Today's jokes [9.7.19]

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A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out 
and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears 
some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of 
his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the 
man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."

1. 




What's the difference between a barmaid in
the evening and a barmaid at night?

A barmaid in the evening is fair and buxom.
A barmaid at night is bare and ....


Sent by Jennifer

2. 




    NEW ELEMENTS ON THE PERIODIC TABLE 

   Element: WOMAN 
   Symbol: Wo
   Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less)
   Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
   freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not
   used well.
   Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold,
   silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able
   to absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when
   placed beside a better specimen. Ages rapidly.
   Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for
   disintegration of wealth. Probably the single most powerful income
   reducing agent known.
   Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
   Element: MAN 
   Symbol: XY
   Common Name(s): Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
   Atomic Weight: 180 +/-100 Physical Properties: Solid at room
   temperature, but easily gets bent out of shape. Fairly dense and
   sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging
   samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young, fresh
   samples.
   Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get.
   Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when
   mixed with Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize
   by saturating with alcohol.
   Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able
   to produce large quantities on command.
   Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and
   begins to smell.


3. 




This preacher was looking for a good used lawnmower one day. He found one
at a yard sale that Little Johnny happened to be manning.
"This mower work, son?" the preacher asked.
Little Johnny said, "Sure does -- just pull on the cord hard, though."
The preacher took the mower home and when he got ready to mow he yanked 
and pulled and tugged on that cord. Nothing worked. It wouldn't start.
Thinking he'd been swindled, he took the mower back to Little Johnny's
house. "You said this would work if I pulled on the cord hard enough."
"Well," Johnny said, "you need to curse at it sometimes."
The preacher was aghast. "I've not done that in years!"
"Just keep yanking on that cord, Preacher. It'll come back to you."

4. 




How can u spot a tough Lesbian Bar?

Even the pool tables don't have balls.

5. 



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