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Today's jokes [9.13.19]

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What's the one thing you can do to a Jewish girl's asshole
to make her squeal with delight?

                      Give him a raise. 


1. 




Back in the turn of the century in a mining town out west,
a woman walked into a saloon.  Suddenly she realised that
she was not in the general store so she started to turn
around and leave.  As she was doing this, a drunk cowboy
seated at the bar noticed her and said to the woman, "Come
on over, Ma'am, sit yerself down right here next to me and
have yerself a drink.
"Thank you kindly Sir, but I'm afraid that I couldn't,"
replied the woman, "on account that I need to get bread."
The cowboy replied, "Uh, Ma'am, I do reckon you came to the
right place for that!"

2. 




A travelling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest 
a few minutes.
The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began
to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races
and won over 5 million. I keep my trophies in the barn."
The salesman worked out the value of having a talking horse, found the
horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal.
"Oh, you don't want that horse," said the farmer.
"Yes I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you 10,000 for the horse."
Recognising a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours."
While he wrote out his cheque, the salesman asked, "By the way, why
wouldn't I want your horse?"
"Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his
life."

3. 




What does a blond and a turtle have in common?

When they lay on their backs they're screwed!

4. 




A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" 
inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a 
hundred for?"

5. 



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