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Today's jokes [8.4.19]

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Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and 
besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied 
something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful 
Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she 
fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check 
stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes 
enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing 
in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly 
go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the 
car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet 
and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody 
clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with 
her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait 
saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be 
the matter?

Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the 
engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do 
I have to do that?"

1. 




A young priest, who is still unsure of the penance to dole out during
confession, asks an older priest what he should give a cocksucker.
"Oh," says the older priest, "give the altar boy a dollar or so, if you 
feel like it. Personally, I never give them more than fifty cents."

2. 




Little Johnny was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, 
"How was I born?" "The stork brought you to us." "Oh," said Little Johnny. 
"Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked. "Oh, the stork brought 
us too." "So. . . how were grandpa and grandma born?" "Well, darling, the 
stork brought them too," said the mother. The next day Little Johnny 
handed in his paper to the teacher. It read, "This report is impossible to 
write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my 
family for three generations."

3. 




   A man visits his doctor.
   
   "I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls
   has turned blue."
   
   The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would
   die if they didn't have his testicle removed.
   
   "Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such
   a thing to me?"
   
   "Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient
   had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the
   operation, he came back.
   
   "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue
   too."
   
   Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other
   testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant.
   "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to
   agree to the operation.
   
   But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the
   doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now
   completely blue."
   
   After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the
   bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go.
   
   Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to
   die?", asked the doctor.
   
   "But... how do I pee?"
   
   "We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
   
   So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the
   unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry.
   
   "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."
   
   "What?"
   
   "Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"
   
   So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and
   says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"
   


4. 




Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big
Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log. 
 
"My what big eyes you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. 

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red
Riding Hood sees the wolf again. This time he is crouched behind a tree
stump. 
 
"My what big ears you have, Mr Wolf", says Little Red Riding Hood. 

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. Some distance further down the
track Little Red Riding Hood again encounters the Big Bad Wolf, this time
crouched behind a road sign. 

"My what big teeth you have, Mr Wolf", taunts Little Red Riding Hood. 

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams... "Will you fuck off,
I'm trying to take a shit !"

5. 



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