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Today's jokes [8.3.19]

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   An Undertaker rings the wife of a dead man he is to bury...
   
   u/t.. "Mrs Smith, this is the manager of the burial service and we
   have a bit of a problem with your husband."
   
   wife.. "What's wrong?"
   
   u/t.. "As you know, he was rather a 'well built' man. When Rigor
   Mortise sets in to a male corpse, he ends up with an erection and,
   basically, we can't close the lid of your husband's coffin."
   
   wife.. "Well, what can you do?"
   
   u/t.. "We can get a special coffin made that is about 3" taller than
   standard but it will cost you an extra $500."
   
   wife.. "I can't afford that. Can't you do something to solve the
   problem which is a little less expensive?"
   
   The undertaker thinks for a second, then makes a suggestion.
   
   u/t.. "We could remove his penis."
   
   wife.. "Hang on, I want him all there, together in his coffin when we
   bury him. I don't want bits of him lying around."
   
   u/t.. "No worries, we can remove his penis and insert it in his
   rectum."
   
   wife.. "OK, but only on 2 conditions. It can't cost any extra and I
   want to see the body immediately before the funeral."
   
   u/t.. "OK, see you before the funeral."
   
   Scene shifts to the Chapel just before the funeral. The undertaker
   shows the wife into the back room where they have the guy laid out in
   the coffin, wearing his best suit, with the make-up on to make him
   look presentable. The undertaker closes the door of the room behind
   him as he leaves the wife alone with her dearly departed husband for
   the last time.
   
   She goes up to her husband's body and silently says her last, private
   goodbyes. As she is doing this she notices a small tear has trickled
   out of the corner of his eye and spoiled the make-up. She looks around
   to see if anyone else is in the room. When she knows she is there by
   herself, she bends down and whispers in her husband's ear, "Bloody
   hurts, doesn't it?"
   


1. 




There is a child molester and a young boy walking through a deep remote 
forest. After a while the boy gets very cold and frightened so he says, 
"Mister i'm scared and cold, please let me go",the child molester cries out,
"You think your scared I have to walk home alone!" 



2. 




A little boy was excited about his first day at school.
So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class
started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to
the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if
he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but
asked him to be quick.

Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate 
and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram 
to where he should go and asked him if he will be able
to find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said "yes"
and goes on his way. 

Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says
to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at
the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So two fellas go together and five minutes later they 
both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks 
Jon, "Well, did you find it?"

Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his
boxer shorts on backwards"

3. 




So my sister, a natural blond graduating from the University of 
North Carolina Law School, is job hunting. I suggested that 
since Microsoft is building up their legal team, she should send 
them a resume and become a southern blond Microsoft lawyer 

-- and be the butt of any joke on the internet.

4. 




A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 
hours to live. "That's terrible!!!" said her husband, "What would you like to do during your 
last hours ? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you."

"Well," she said, "First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my 
favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long !"

"Gee, Honey." said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all, 
I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't" 



5. 



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