Today's jokes [7.21.19]
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Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called
into the personnel director's office. "What is the meaning of
this?" the director asked. "When you applied for this job, you
told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this
is the first job you've ever held."
"Well," the young man replied "in your advertisement you said
you wanted somebody with imagination."
Selections From the Scholastic Aptitude Preparatory Test
1. Which of the following is the correct answer to this question?
a. b. c. d. e. none of the above
2. ingot:bleak :: ingot:_______
a. tepid b. gold c. oak d. bolonga e. bleak
3. pork:algae :: green:_______
a. six b. five c. ten d. marble e. red
4. mugger:park :: king:_______
a. castle b. burger c. queen d. Jacuzzi e. bleak
Read the following carefully and answer the questions below.
In addition to the obvious effects of solar activity on the upper
atmosphere, some scientists contend that it also affects the
weather. These contentions, however, are for the most part
unconfirmed and some are very dubious. Even further afield, a
British researcher on epidemiology claimed last year that "the
periods of world dominance of successive major subtypes of influenza
virus have synchronized closely with the periodicity of sunspots."
Correlatons of biomedical phenomenon with solar activity, such as
this one, are generally not taken seriously by most Western scintists.
Many researchers in the Soviet Union, however, do believe in such
possibilites, including even a correlation of sunspots with outbreaks
of plague-spreading rodents in central Asia.
1. In what lanuage is the British researcher speaking?
a. Japanese b. Urdu c. Bengali d. British e. Media
2. The term "most Western" means
a. Hawaii b. John Ford's longest film c. nothing d. correct
3. A conclusion that could be drawn from this passage is
a. Russian scientists are idiots and Russia is full of rats
b. The sun has sunspots
c. Don't ask a question of a British researcher if you want an answer
d. all of the above
1. Which of the following is a number?
a. blue b. Jacques Cousteau c. watermelon d. John Doe e. 5
2. If Juan is fourteen and weighs 150 pounds, and Grover is nine
and weighs 70 pounds, what is the probability that Juan can
get anything he wants from Grover?
a. 0% b. 100% c. a and b d. a only e. b only
3. Delbert McBumm wants to pawn a hundred-dollar watch. The
pawnbroker gives him eleven dollars for it and then sells it
for a hundred and twenty-five. What was the relative rate of
mark-up in the watch in relation to half of its worth, if the
worth is calculated at three-quarters the difference between
the pawnbrokers's offer and 78% of Delbert's assessment of the
a. 100 b. 50 c. 75 d. 115 e. none of the above
5. Calculate the shaded area 6/ \__/ \2
of the figure at the right. / 2 |
a. 0 b. 50% c. c only \ /\ |
d. the answer is a 9\ /7 \ |10
e. go back, it's a \/ 8\__|
6. Grant McSwine is a repairman. If he tells Mr. White that it
will take him about 10 hours to do a specific job, how long will
it really take him?
a. six weeks b. half an hour c. about three hundred dollars longer
d. not enough information because the type of repair is not indicated
In the following questions you are asked to compare two quantities.
These quantities may be equal, or one may be bigger, or neither.
On your answer sheet choose a if b is bigger, choose b if a and b
are equal, choose c if a is bigger, choose d if neither one is
bigger, choose e if both are bigger, choose f if the answer cannot
be determined from the information given, choose g if you have no
a. 2 b. 15
a. the area of a circle b. the area of a square
whose area is 10 whose area is 10
a. my dad b. your dad
a. New York City b. Limpid, Iowa
a. something b. nothing
a. a mountain b. a molehill
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was
always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened
to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to
his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he
went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat, the alarm in the
morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to
work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you
Two wives were airing their troubles:
"I'd like to get a divorce," said the first.
"My husband and I just don't get along."
"Why don't you sue him for incompatibility?"
asked the second.
"I would if I could catch him at it,"
replied the first.
TOP15.Some of the myths about marriage...
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. Their passion is
heating up. Then the wife stops and says: "I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me." The husband says: "WHAT??" The wife
explains that he must not be in tune
with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing
is going to happen and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept store. He
walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She
can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. Then they
go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. And then they go to
the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of diamond ear rings. His wife
is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out but she does not
care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says: "But you
don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let's get it." The
wife is jumping up and
down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says: "I
am ready to go, lets go to the cash register."
The husband says: "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this
stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey. I just want you to HOLD
this stuff for a while." Her face gets really mad and she is about to
explode and the Husband says: "You must not be in tune with my
financial needs as a Man!!!"
TECHNOLOGY FOR THE COUNTRY FOLK
What high-tech lingo becomes once it goes north of the
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the munchie bag
MODEM: Whacha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn ruf
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, C'Mon in y'all
MEMORY: When ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore
MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
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