Today's Jokes  |  Archives  |  Lists  |  Random  |  Register  |  RandJoke on Your Page  
 


Today's jokes [7.18.19]

Vote for the joke that you really like by checking a box next to it. Then press the VOTE button to submit your votes. Also, links to joke categories and "Email Friend" will open in a new window, so as not to interrupt your joke reading.


A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar getting
drunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she told
me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have so
much in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to have
kinky sex.
When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says,
"Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."
She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrix
outfit.
However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting on
his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit in
your purse. I'm done." 

1. 




This was originally posted in rec.sport.pro-wrestling

Date: 1999/03/04
Author: briang68g@gearthlink.net

I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I
thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not
to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name 
was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. 
They kept  punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they 
punched my genitals.  I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high
speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle
lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive, they
all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' 
like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap 
monkeys.  I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all 
over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It 
looked like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I
had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a
while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real 
bad.

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want 
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately,
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change 
them every  30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so 
it didn't all  go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in 
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor 
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said that the city was not
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. 
He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen 
ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them,
but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the
genitals.

I like monkeys.

2. 




A Pollock walks over the Red Light District in Amsterdam when suddenly
he notices a fine looking hooker looking at him.
He stops, bangs on the window and says,"So, what does this cost ??!!".
And the hooker replies,"25 dollars !!".
And the Pollock said ,"Hmm, that's not a lot of money for insulated
windows !!".



3. 




Why do Farts stink?

So that Deaf people can enjoy them too.

4. 




If Apple made toasters...
It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years
earlier. The toast would make a little smiley face at you when
it popped up, or else it would get stuck and there would be a
little picture of a bomb burned onto it. If they break, these
toasters would require a special set of MacToaster Tools to
even open up. Worldwide market share would only be 5%, but all
the bread in school lunches would be exclusively toasted on
the MacToaster.

5. 



BONUS! A random joke from Jokes2Go database
If you don't like it, just hit RELOAD





By voting you are helping select today's best joke. This helps us provide you with better quality humor in the future, as well as to select the best jokes to send in our daily best humor mailing.

But wait! Don't forget to read

Today's Stories
Today's Poems
Today's Quotes
Today's Funny Pic

 July '19 Jokes Issues:
S  M  T  W  Th F  St
   1  2  3  4  5  6  
7  8  9  10 11 12 13 
14 15 16 17 18 19 20 
21 22 23 24 25 26 27 
28 29 30 31 

Jump to  



For any questions or comments email us at info@jokes2go.com
Copyright© SpekGY, Inc, 1998-2016. All rights reserved.