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Today's jokes [7.16.19]

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A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and 
passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a 
little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the 
crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I 
wish you could talk." 
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and 
down. 

"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. 

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it 
up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his 
mouth.
"They were smoking marijuana?"
"Yes."
"What else?"

The monkey motioned "Screwing."
"They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
"Yes." 
"Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking 
and screwing before they wrecked."
"Yes."
"What were you doing during all this?"
"Driving" motioned the monkey.

1. 




   A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
   relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to
   their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
   
   The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
   
   So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On
   the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
   
   The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little
   honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
   
   The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate
   sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she
   once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
   
   The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and
   says, "clumsy bitch".
   


2. 




During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a 
red faced colonel at the wheel.  "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked
the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys, "*Yours* is."

3. 




   I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His wife won't give him a
   divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him a
   happy man.


4. 




After their love-making session the young bride asks her husband "Was
making love to me really the same as making love to Marilyn Monroe?"
"Yes, she's dead to!""Was making love to me really the same as making
love to Marilyn Monroe?"

"Yes, she's dead to!"

5. 



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