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Today's jokes [7.13.19]

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Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in 
walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.
Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week and
we all got rat-arsed."
Being quick on the uptake the second one says, " My dad says he will marry
my mum next year."
Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.
In desperation the third one says, " My old man will never ever marry my
mum."
The Nun looks up from her food and says, " Would one of you bastards 
please pass the salt."

1. 




The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, 
"A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and 
says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are 
you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this".

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, 
then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In 
the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon 
acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The 
bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you 
beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here 
again".

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, 
"What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've 
got the audacity to come back!". 

The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in 
this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm 
very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double."

To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."



2. 




A young married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so 
after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the 
minor of three possible operations. 

The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not 
pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he 
recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious 
operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative. 

But, there's still no result, and another month later she's back 
in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. 

After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes 
normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in 
conceiving a baby.

Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular 
examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so 
happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this 
third operation actually all about? The first two weren't that bad, 
but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy 
for weeks after."

"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard 
operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather 
than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to 
your uterus."

3. 




Can you pass the Baby Boomer Quiz? 

 1.  Name the Beatles, first and last names.

 2.  Finish this line: "Lions, and tigers, and bears ..." (2 words)

 3.  "Hey kids, what time is it?" (4 words)

 4.  What do M&Ms do?

 5.  What helps build strong bodies 12 ways?

 6.  Before he was Mohammed Ali, before he was The Greatest, we knew 
     him as ... (2 words)
 
 7.  "You'll wonder where the yellow went, ..." (7 words)

 8.  Before he was the Skipper's little buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's 
     best friend, ... (First and last names, and middle initial)

 9.  "M-I-C See ya real soon. K-E-Y ..." (5 words)

10.  A 'streaker' is someone who might run across campus wearing what?

11.  "Brylcream: ..." (6 words)

12.  Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone .... (2 words)

13.  "I wonder, wonder, wonder, wonder who ..." (6 words)

14.  "War, uh-huh, huh, yeah, what is it good for? ..." (2 words)

15.  Where have all the flowers gone?

16.  Superman, "disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a 
     great metropolitan newspaper, fights a never ending battle for 
     truth, justice, and ..." (3 words)

17.  Who came from the University of Alabama to become one of the 
     greatest QB's in NFL history and appeared in a TV commercial 
     wearing women's pantyhose?  Extra credit if you know his nickname!

18.  "I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm Popeye the sailor man! I'm strong 
     to the finish ..." (5 words)

19.  Who played Peter Pan before all these other imitators?

20.  In "The Graduate," Benjamin Braddock (Dustin Hoffman) was advised 
     about his future and told to consider one thing.  What?

21.  In 1962, a dejected politician, having lost a race for governor, 
     announced his retirement and chastised the press saying, "Just 
     think, you don't have ... to kick around any more." (2 words) 
     And he lied!

22.  "Every morning at the mine you could see him arrive.  He stood 
     six feet six, weighed 245 pounds, kinda broad at the shoulder 
     and narrow at the hip, and everybody knew you didn't give no 
     lip to ..." (2 words)

23.  Where did Fats Domino find his thrill? (3 words)

24.  "Good night, Mrs. Calabash, ..." (3 words)

25.  "Good night, Chet. ..." (3 words)

26.  "Liar, liar, ..." (3 words) And it's not a Jim Carrey movie!

27.  "When it's least expected, you're elected.  You're the star 
     today!  Smile!  ..." (4 words)
     .
     .
     .
     .
     .
Answers:

 1.  John Lennon, Paul McCartney (Sir), George Harrison, Ringo Starr 
     (Richard Starkey)
 2.  Oh, my!
 3.  It's Howdy Doody Time!
 4.  melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
 5.  Wonder bread
 6.  Casius Clay
 7.  "when you brush your teeth with Pepsodent"
 8.  Maynard G. Crebbs
 9.  "... why, because we like you."
10.  nothing but a smile!
11.  "a little dab will do ya."
12.  over 30!
13.  "...who wrote the book of love"
14.  "absolutely nothing!"
15.  "long time passing"
16.  "the American way"
17.  "Joe Nameth", aka "Broadway Joe", aka "Joe Willie".
18.  "...'cause I eats me spinach."
19.  Mary Martin.
20.  "Plastic"
21.  Dick Nixon.
22.  "Big John"
23.  on blueberry hill.
24.  "...wherever you are."
25.  "Good night, David."
26.  "...pants on fire."
27.  "You're on Candid Camera."

4. 




Did you hear about that guy who was tap dancing?

He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink. 

5. 



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