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Today's jokes [6.8.19]

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What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

1. 




At The Superbowl

   Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
   Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realizes the seat is
   in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the
   Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first
   quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the
   50 yard line. He decided to take a chance and makes his way through
   the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
   As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse
   me, is anyone sitting here?"
   The man said "no".
   Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the
   man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would
   have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"
   The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was
   supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
   Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
   "That's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone
   to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
   "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."


2. 




Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation.
After a while one of them said, "You think you have
family problems? Listen to my situation: A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up
daughter and we got married. Lately, my father
married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter
my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also
my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.
Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had a
son. This boy was my half brother because he was my
father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's
daughter which made him my wife's grandson. That
made me grandfather of my half-brother. This was
nothing until my wife and I had a son.
     Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law is
also the grandmother. This makes my father the
brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my
father's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law,
my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my
father's nephew and I am my own grandfather and you
think you have family problems.

3. 




A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a
hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"
The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in
his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,
and tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever
seen!"
The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the
morning when he makes the doughnuts!"and orders a
hamburger.
The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"
The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"
Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in
his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,
and tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever
seen!"
The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in the
morning when he makes the doughnuts!"

4. 




The Frenchman and the Italian were in the woods hunting 
together when suddenly a voluptuous blonde girl raced across 
their path, totally nude. "Would I love to eat that? Oui, oui!" the 
Frenchman said, smacking his lips.

So the Italian shot her.

5. 



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