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Today's jokes [6.5.19]

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The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day 
someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter 
words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All
evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that." 

1. 




   Laboratory Rabbit Freedom
   A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he
   had been born and
   brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he
   felt grass under his
   little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life.
   'Wow, this is great,' he
   thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing
   under it he saw a
   wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at
   the lush grass.
   'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just
   escaped. Are you wild
   rabbits?
   'Yes. Come and join us,' they cried.
   Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted
   so good. 'What else
   do you wild rabbits do?' he asked.
   'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots
   growing in it. We dig
   them up and eat them.'
   This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most
   succulent carrots. They
   were wonderful.
   Later, he asked them again, 'What else do you do?'
   'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them
   as well.'
   The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later
   completely full. 'Is there
   anything else you guys do?' he asked.
   One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
   'There's one other thing
   you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the
   far corner of the field.
   'They're girls. We poke them. Go and try it.'
   Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little
   heart out until, completely
   knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
   'That was fantastic,' he panted.
   'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.
   'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'
   The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought
   you liked it here.'
   'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory.
   I'm dying for a cigarette.'
   


2. 




This man goes into the doctor with his ringhole in a terrible state,
really bad now.
Doctor: "What happened to you?"
He says: "I was in Africa on safari and I got raped by an elephant!"
Doctor: "But I don't understand. Elephant penises are very narrow and
couldn't cause that much damage!"
He says "Aah but you see doctor, he fingered me first!"

3. 




Most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought, "This is unusual."
The dentist said to me,  "Mr. Owens, get out of the filing cabinet."


4. 




Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a
$100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously
much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.
And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members
were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members. "Well," said the pro, "I was teeing
up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand
between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever
tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"

5. 



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