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Today's jokes [6.11.19]

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Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far 
away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send 
me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next 
month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it 
was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, 
and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going 
on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for 
Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

1. 




Teacher: Why are you late?
Little Johnny: Because of the sign.
Teacher: What sign?
Little Johnny: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow. "That's what I
did.

2. 




How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time



Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix,
empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe,
humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug,
coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate,
nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply,
accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm,
lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,
attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend,
coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize,
detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace,
accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead,
borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch,
crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for,
dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine,
cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate,
enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite,
taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on
the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if
I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize,
humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free
world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble,
drip, dry, knead, puree, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate,
indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and
worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.




                           How to Satisfy a Man Every Time

Show up naked.



3. 




A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a 
gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as 
they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed 
detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and 
was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I 
was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of 
other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did 
*I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

4. 




Build Vocabulary. Read up on some computer magazines and
pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when
in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to
understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

5. 



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