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Today's jokes [5.3.19]

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   Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark.
   They start
   raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for
   they know not what they
   do!" The second one says, "This one does!"
   


1. 




History of the United States

                                      by David Hyatt



J. Walter Thompson, a huge ad agency, has a test for all wannabe
copywriters.  They print it every few years as a full page ad in many
major newspapers.  They call the campaign "Write if you want work."

My response to the question, "Write the history of the
United States in 100 words or less":

        Creation.  Evolution.  Civilization.  Exploration.
Colonization.  Taxation.  Representation?  Declaration.  Revolution.
Celebration. Constitutionalization.  Election.  Inauguration.
Succession.  Institutionalization.  Conflagration.  Migration.
Plantation.  Expansion.  Destination Manifestation.  Annexation.
Secession.  Rebellion.  Abolition.  Emancipation Proclamation.
Assassination.  Reconstruction.  Industrialization.  Assassination.
Invention.  Transportation.  Urbanization.  Exploitation.
Stratification.  Assassination.  Unionization.  Protection.
Regulation.  Suffrage Extension.  Balkanization.  Destruction.  League
of Nations.  Prohibition.  Immigration.  Depression.  Socialization.
Construction.  Isolation.  Deterioration.  Penetration.
Fission-n-Fusion.  Annihilation.  Radiation.  Polarization.
Militarization.  Partition.  Persecution.  Automation.  Failed
Invasion.  Assassination.  Investigation.  Division.  Demonstration.
Mind Alteration.  Space Exploration.  Bra Incineration.  Obfuscation.
Resignation.  Elation.  Stupification.  Abortion.  Stagflation.  Gas
Station.  Computerization.  Communication.  Deregulation.  Pollution.
Deforestation.  Kinder, Gentler Nation.  Reunification.
Reconciliation.  Verification.  Recession.  Demarcation.
Obliteration.  Glorification.  Education?

Copyright 1992 David Hyatt -- don't rip it off if you're taking the
same test!



2. 




A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He 
stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. 
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No 
sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he 
said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and 
flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, 
handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the 
hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."

3. 




Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor.
"I'm sure I've got a liver disease, and I'm gonna die from it."
"Ridiculous," said the doctor. "you'd never know if you had the
disease or not. With that ailment there's no discomfort of any
kind."
"Right," said Herman, "those are my exact symptoms." 

4. 




One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate
her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first
student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of
the day off.

She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy
instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."

"Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early."

The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you,
but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts
out, "John F. Kennedy!"

"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also."

Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny
said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."

Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know
who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill
Clinton. I'll see you Monday."

5. 



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