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Today's jokes [5.11.19]

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*Question: What is one horsepower?
*Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one 
second.

*You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you 
don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

*Talc is found on rocks and on babies.

*The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they
broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

*When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say
they are orbiting.

*Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

*While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only
centrificating.

*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

*South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the
daytime.

*Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing
and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

*A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

*There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them 
all means living forever.

*There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much
population stomping around up there these days.

*Lime is a green-tasting rock.

*Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother
against brother.

*Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out
the numbers.

*We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of
things people forget to put the top on.

*To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that 
are still all mixed up.

*In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

*Clouds are high flying fogs.

*I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the 
important thing.

*Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to 
do.

*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

*Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

*We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

*Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

*Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

*In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

*Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

*A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

*A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

*A monsoon is a French gentleman.

*Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

*It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

*The wind is like the air, only pushier.

1. 




Men are like...

Men are like animals: messy, insensitive and
potentially violent, but they make great pets. 

2. 




A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him 
two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is
$10,000." the clerk said. 
"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?" 
"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote." 
"And the other?" said the customer. 
"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in
the back room for $30,000." 
"Holy moly! What does that one do?" 
"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'." 


3. 




Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'd
had the previous night with this bloke she brought home.
"Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked 
"The bastard called me a slut!" Mary said.
"And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked.
"I told him to get the fuck out of my bedroom and take his eight
mates with him!" Mary said.


4. 




"Kiss me," said the young lady urgently. "Please kiss me."
But the young man turned his head away, saying, "Of course not.
How can I? I'm your own brother-in-law. Hell, we shouldn't
even be lying here making love."

5. 



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