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Today's jokes [4.4.19]

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Chain Letter Type IV

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote.  Send it to every one of your
friends.

Friends
- A friend is someone who is always at your side,
- A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like a wet dog,
- A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
- A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
- A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about
   your loser life,
- A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think
   you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs, - A
friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets
  the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English no, sorry that's   
 the cleaning lady,

Now pass this on! If you don't, Satan will send dogs in heat to your room in
your sleep!!

There.   Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain
letters, onto the ironic part.  In order for this to get any popularity,
send it on!!!  If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but
otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!!  If you don't, I don't
care.  Thanks!

Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it.

TRASH IT!!!  If it's a joke or something, send it, sure! Just don't forget
to delete the chain letter part.  But if it's gonna make people feel guilty 
(i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e.
Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of poop), just DELETE it.

Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say NO!!! to 
BLOODY CHAIN LETTERS!!"  Thank you.

1. 




A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,
"what do you mean almost?" 
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped." 
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." 
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
then starts to leave. 
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" 
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"

2. 




A woman recently lost her husband.  She had him cremated and brought his
ashes home.  Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on
the counter.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes,
she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that
BlowJob I promised you?  Here it comes..."

3. 




The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at 
thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope
out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make
every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says, "No way.  You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this."
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes 
crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, 
basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do?
I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,
"I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just 
now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head."
The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope headbutts her.

4. 




Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry,
but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an
age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young,
white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:
"I think I might be gay..." 

5. 



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