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Today's jokes [4.15.19]

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   It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family are just
   waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at
   the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
   
   "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
   
   Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks
   into his big bowl. It is also empty!
   
   "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
   
   Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen
   and screams, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through
   this? I haven't made the fucking porridge yet!!"
   


1. 




   Six people were on a plane. A doctor, a lawyer a priest and 3
   children.
   The pilot comes on the radio and says the plane is going to crash,and
   there are only three
   parachutes.
   The doctor yells out, " Save the children"
   The lawyer yells out "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"
   The priest yells out " IS THERE TIME?"
   


2. 




Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework!

3. 




Two cab drivers met.
"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red 
and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see 
how all the witnesses contradict each other."

4. 




This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive me
for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman
for UPS.  Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent
section of the city.  When I rang the bell, the door opened and
there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She
had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed
in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And,
she asked if I would like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I
lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get
your reward in heaven, my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?"
the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate,
you jackass."

5. 



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