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Today's jokes [4.12.19]

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Q: Who makes more money, a whore or a drug pusher?
A: The whore because she can lick her crack and use it again.


1. 




   Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up
   alongside his ex-wife at a traffic signal. He shouted over, "So...
   out looking for a little, huh ?"
   
   She smiled sweetly and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm
   out looking for a lot !!!"


2. 




Q: How do you get a Blonde to Marry you?
A: Tell her she's Pregnant.


3. 




Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has
to take a shit real bad.
The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down
to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are
occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in
desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and
takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in
the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that
says, "Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us...
where is it?" 

4. 




    A guy walks into a bar ... once inside, he realizes it's a
   gay bar, but he decides, "What the heck, I really want a drink."
   So he sits down at the bar, and the gay bartender says to him, "What's
   the name of your penis?"
   The guy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink."
   The gay bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you
   tell me the name of your penis."
   So the guy looks at the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a
   beer and asks, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" The man to
   left, with a smile, looks back and says, "TIMEX."
   The guy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes
   a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!"
   A little shaken, the guy turns to the fella on his right sipping on a
   fruity margarita, "So, what do you call your penis?" The man to his
   right turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because quality is Job
   1", he then ads, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
   Even more shaken, the guy has to think for a moment before he comes up
   with a name for his penis. He turns to the bartender and exclaims,
   "The name of my penis is SECRET. Now give me my beer."
   The bartender begins to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look
   asks, "Why secret?"
   The guy says, "because it's strong enough for a man but made for a
   woman!"


5. 



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