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Today's jokes [4.11.19]

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The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air
Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of 
perfectly good aircraft.  "Obviously the Air Force knows there's
no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated 
officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay 
you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army
pays its men to jump."

"You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant 
replied.  "The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump 
out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to bitch
about the salary."

1. 




A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. 
The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were 
skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or 
velcro) for opening them. 
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her 
hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" 
"Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."

2. 




A business man got on an elevator in a building.  When he entered the
elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, 
"T-G-I-F"  (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said 
as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, 
"S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F,
Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."



3. 




What is the difference between a toilet and Convienience Store Clerk?

A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

4. 




A man went to a sex doctor and told him of his extremely 
active sex life.  He said He had a wife, several mistresses, 
masturbated, and had wet dreams all the time.  

The doctor asked which he liked best.

He Replied, " Wet Dreams, you meet a much higher class of 
people in them."

5. 



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