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Today's jokes [3.7.19]

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A man rented a camel to make a trip to an important customer out in the 
desert. There was only one camel available, and it had one little problem, 
the guy told him. Periodically, this camel would stop and refuse to move 
until somebody beat it off. The man is desperate, so he decides he will go 
along with that. He sets off into the desert. Sure as hell, he has to beat 
off the camel every day for the first three days. On the fourth day, the 
camel stops again and refuses to move, so the guy gets down and prepares 
to do his duty, but the camel quickly steps aside. He tries again, And 
again. Finally in exasperation he walks in front of the camel and says 
"For Christ's sake, what do you want now?" The camel puckers up and makes 
little sucking noises.

1. 




Q: How did they know that Jesus was Jewish?
A: Because he lived at home until he was thirty, he went into his father's business, his mother
thought he was God, and he thought his mother was a virgin. 

2. 




The Bachelor Diet

Monday

Breakfast - Who can eat Breakfast on a Monday? Swallow
some toothpaste while brushing your teeth
Lunch - Send your secretary out for six "gutbombers"
- those little hamburgers that used to cost a dime but
now cost sixty five cents. Also order French fries, a
bowl of chilli, a soft drink and have her stop on the
way back for a family size bottle of maalox.
Afternoon Snack - Drink the maalox
Dinner - Six pack of beer and Kentucky fried chicken
three-piece Dinner, don't eat the coleslaw.


Tuesday

Breakfast - Eat the coleslaw
Lunch - Go to the office vending machine and put ninety
five cents in and close your eyes, push a button and eat
whatever comes out swallowing it whole to prevent nausea.
Dinner - Four tacos and a pitcher of Sangria at El Flasho's.


Wednesday

Breakfast - Jaws couldn't eat Breakfast after a night at
El Flasho's
Lunch - Rolaids and a coke
Dinner - Drop in at a married friends house and beg for
scraps


Thursday

Breakfast - Order out for pizza
Lunch - Your secretary is out sick, check Mondays gutbomber
sack forleftovers.
Dinner - Go to a bar and drink yourself silly, when you get
hungry ask the bartender for olives.


Friday

Breakfast - Eggs, sausage, and an English muffin at McDonalds.
Eat the Styrofoam plate and leave the food. It tastes better
and it's better for you.
Lunch - Skip Lunch, Fridays are murder
Dinner - Steak, well-done, baked potato, and asparagus. Don't
eat the asparagus, nobody really likes asparagus.


Saturday

Breakfast - Sleep through it.
Lunch - Ditto
Dinner - Steak, Well done, baked potato, and brussel sprouts.
Dont eat the Brussel Sprouts. Take them home and plant them
in a hanging basket.


Sunday

Breakfast - Three Bloody Marys and half a Twinkie.
Lunch - Eat Lunch? Waste a good buzz? Dont eat Lunch.
Dinner - Chicken noodle soup - Call your mom and ask her about
renting your old room.

3. 




   A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
   prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little
   worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
   
   "Doctor, the hormones you`ve been giving me have really helped, but
   I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair
   in places that I`ve never grown hair before."
   
   The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
   side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
   
   "On my balls."
   


4. 




In America the late night news used to broadcast this message:
"It's 11 o'clock do you know where your children are?
In England they say
"Its 11 o'clock do you know where your wife is?
In France they say "It's 11o'clock do you know where your husband is?"
In Poland they say Its 11 o'clock do you know what time it is?"


5. 



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