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Today's jokes [3.14.19]

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A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab and 
asked to be taken to LaGuardia.  While stuck in the traffic jam,
the businessman leaned forward and said, "How's your spirit of
adventure?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the thought of
flying there just bores me to tears.  Why not drive me there?
The meeting is only an hour.  I'll pay the gas, tolls, your hotel
room, meals, and then you can drive me back tomorrow."
The driver said, "Sure, why not?"  and off they went.  
They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana,
and finally into Chicago.  The businessman did his meeting
(while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab 
and they took off to the hotel.  They shared a huge meal, the
businessman paid for two rooms.  The next morning, they 
took off back towards Manhattan.  When they arrived, the 
meter read $4,632.85.
When they got back to the businessman's office, the man
told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you
a certified check.  I'll make it for $5000 so you'll get a sizable
tip for your trouble."
"Great," the cab driver said, "Thanks."
"One last thing.  When I give you the check, I'd like you to 
drive me home, please."
"Where's that?"
"Brooklyn."
"No way!!!  I'd have to drive back over the bridge without a 
passenger!"

1. 




A man had a flat tire on a very cold winter day. He told his girl
friend he'd have it fixed in no time. 
However as it was very cold his hands kept getting cold. He asked
his girl if he could put his hands between her knees to warm them. 

She said that would be allright. After getting his hands warm he
went back to fixing the tire but it was so cold he could not
continue so he again asked his girl if he could warm his hands.

She again said it would be allright. When his hands were warm he
went back to fixing the tire once more. But before he been out
there five minutes or so he again asked her if he could warm his
hands.

His girl asked "Honey don't your ears ever get cold?" 

2. 




Jewish telegram: “Begin worrying. Details to follow.”

3. 




A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle 
range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills 
behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go 
and shoot myself."
The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets!"

4. 




    Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to
   the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands
   in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the
   green.
   Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
   fairway and lands in the water trap.
   Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The
   old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
   the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls
   into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the
   fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and
   grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a
   lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the
   eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out
   of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
   Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop
   fooling around, we won't bring you next time."


5. 



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