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Today's jokes [2.12.19]

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Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose? 

They couldn't close his casket. 

1. 




What is George W. Bush's favorite town in Texas?

Kilgore,TX

2. 




The  Y-Zero-K Problem 

Translated from a recently discovered Latin scroll dated 2BC 

Dear Cassius: 

  Are you still working on the Y zero K problem?  This change 
from  BC to AD is giving us many headaches; there is not much 
time left.  I don't know how citizens will cope with working the 
wrong way around.  Having been working happily downwards 
forever, now we have to start  thinking upwards.  You would think 
that someone would have thought of  this earlier and not left it to 
us to sort it out at the last minute. 

I spoke to Caesar the other evening.  He was livid that Julius 
hadn't  done something about it when he was working out the 
calendar.  He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty.  We 
called in Consultus, but he simply said that continuing 
downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a 
fortune for doing nothing useful.  Surely, we will not have to 
throw out all our hardware and start again?  Macrohard will 
make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose. 

The money lenders are paranoid of course!  They have been 
told that all  usury rates will invert, and they will have to pay 
their clients to take out loans.  It is an ill wind... . 

As for myself, I just cannot see how the sand in an hourglass 
will flow upwards.  We have heard that there are three wise men 
in the East who have been working on the problem, but 
unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. 

I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at 
midnight at the turn of the year as there are fears that they will 
stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to 
chariots and possible loss of  life.  Some say the world will 
cease to exist at the moment of  transition. 

Anyway, we are still continuing to work on this acursed Y zero 
K  problem.  I will send you a parchment if anything further 
develops. 

If you have any ideas please let me know, 

Plutonius 


Sent by Marina

3. 




   The Freudian Slip

   Ted and John are setting in the bar and John asked Ted if he bought
   the train tickets to go
   see the Steelers game this weekend. Ted says yea and kinda looked a
   little funny. John
   said is there anything wrong? Ted said naw, everythings OK. They take
   a few more sips
   of beer and Ted ask John if he had ever embarrassed himself by saying
   something he didnít
   mean to say. John said sure, it happens to everyone. Ted said thereís
   a name for that isnít
   there...you know, where you accidently use the wrong words when you
   are trying to say
   something. Yea, says John, itís called a Freudian slip. Yea, thats it
   said Ted, I couldnít
   think of the word. Why are you asking said John?
   Well, yesterday I went to the train station to get the train tickets
   for Pittsburg, and the girl
   selling tickets has this incredible set of jugs. I pulled out the
   money and laid it on the
   counter and asked her to give me two pickets to Titsburg and then had
   to embarrassingly
   say I mean two tickets to Pittsburg. God, it just embarressed the shit
   out of me. You ever
   done anything that stupid?
   ì Funny you would askî, said John. Just this morning my wife and
   I...gosh, I guess
   weíve been married going on 23 years now..., were having breakfast. I
   was reading the
   paper and drinking my coffie. I meant to say, ìdear, would you please
   pass me the
   sugarî,but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, youíve ruined my
   life.'"
   


4. 




Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his
left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache
and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour
later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever
tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?" 

5. 



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