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Today's jokes [2.1.19]

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Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were 
invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was 
partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, the
Lieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the 
door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his 
wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which the
Colonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first 
time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand." 

1. 




A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a
   couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk.
   "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
   The grandmother was embarrased, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt
   his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
   They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one.
   "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
   "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they fuck
   you everytime!"


2. 




Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache.

"I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I 
have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet 
blowjob. Never fails."

A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my 
headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is 
nice, too!"

3. 




   This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in
   each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He
   has a few drinks and chats with the bartender.
   
   The bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about
   the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the
   ducks.
   
   They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the ducks has to
   go to the rest room. The ducks are left on the Bar.
   
   The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence.
   The bartender decides to try to make some conversation.
   
   "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the duck.
   
   "How's your day been?"
   
   "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
   "Oh. That's nice," says the Bartender.
   
   Then he says to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
   
   "Dewey" came the answer.
   
   "So how's your day been?"
   
   "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If
   I had the chance another day I would do the same again."
   
   So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be
   Louie"
   
   "No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. And don't ask about my
   fucking day!"
   


4. 




This one New Yorker married himself a southern gal and 
brought her to the big city for the first time. When they first 
arrived he got them a hotel room and as they were laying in 
bed she looked over in the corner and saw a discarded 
condom, "Oh yuck!!" she proclaimed as she ponted it to her 
new husband

As he craned his neck to see what it was he looked at her and 
asked "What they don't use those things where you come 
from?" 

"Yeah," she said "but we don't skin 'em!"

5. 



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