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Today's jokes [11.6.19]

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A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and
repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll
have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly
20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?" 
The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to
drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?"
"No, from skipping."

1. 




Father O'Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners
after his Sunday morning service as he always does when
Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.
"What's bothering you so, dear?" inquired Farther O'Grady.
"Oh, father, I've got terrible news." Replied Mary.
"Well what is it, Mary?"
"Well, my husband, passed away last night, Father."
"Oh, Mary" said the father, "that's terrible. Tell me Mary,
did he have any last requests?"
"Well, yes he did father," replied Mary.
"What did he ask, Mary?"
Mary replied, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down the gun...'" 

2. 




Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. Men will screw anything!


3. 




   Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how
   tough their fathers were.
   
   "My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!" said young Harry.
   
   "Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men... so lick
   that!" Tommy said.
   
   "That's nothing!" declared little Johnny. "My dad hasn't wiped his ass
   in 10 years... so lick that!"
   


4. 




Blondes dumb?!?!?

 After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food
to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk
and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty
hot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde
walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."


5. 



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