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Today's jokes [11.5.19]

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"Information.  Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please."  Pause.  "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing 
for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no.  It isn't a person.  It's an organization.  It's Theater
Guild."

"I told you, sir.  I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not *Theodore*!  *Theater*!  The word is *theater*.  
T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

1. 




   
   A guy comes home from the bar drunk one night around 3 in the morning.
   His wife is sleeping and he is trying to sneak into bed. He's laying
   in bed for a few minutes and cuts a fart.
   His wife wakes up and asks, "What the hell was that?"
   He replies, "Touchdown, I am winning 7 nothing."
   She thinks to herself "I'm gonna fix him." Then she lets one loose.
   He yells at her, "What was that?"
   She replies "Touchdown, tie score."
   Now he thinks, "I'm gonna fix her." He's laying there for about 10
   minutes trying to work one up. He tries so hard he shits in bed.
   The wife asks, "Now what the hell was that?"
   He replied, "Half time, switch sides."


2. 




Two men were walking along the street when they came
upon a dog licking his dick.

One man said, "I sure wish I could do that." 

The other replied, "You can, but you're probably going
to have to pet him first."

3. 




Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres has a new line of sneakers "coming 
out"?

They're called "dykeees". They have a longer than normal tongue and you 
can get them off with one finger!



4. 




How many Poles does it take to screw in a light bulb? 

    I don't know. I havn't find one that could do it yet. 

5. 



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