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Today's jokes [10.4.19]

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Two goldfish are in a tank.
One said to the other:

'Do you know how to drive this thing?'


Sent by Claire

1. 




Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the 
court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor,
"You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the 
best legal advice you can."

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked 
where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, "You asked me to give him 
good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to 
split."



2. 




A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time
and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen
lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look
at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica." 


3. 




Two guys go hunting.  Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has
hunted all his life.

When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to
sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. 
After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a
blood-curdling scream.

He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be
quiet!"

Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did.  When those snakes crawled
over me, I didn't make a sound.  When that bear was breathing down
my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled
up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them
here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

4. 




How do you sink a Polish submarine?

     You knock on the door. 

5. 



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