Today's stories [1.12.19]
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If you had bought $1000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now
be worth $49. If you had bought $1000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not
the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans at a
redemption center for the nickel deposit, you would have $107.
Given the current conditions of the economy, my advice is to drink
heavily and recycle.
When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from
credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with
postage paid return envelopes, right? Well, why not get rid of some of
your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes!
Think of this guy the next time you think you are having a bad day!
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline,
who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had
bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work,
so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's
not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with
a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the
bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit.
This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm
is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This
$20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a
delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a
garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a damn
good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do,
when I get to the bottom and start working is, I take the hose and stuff
it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm
water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from
back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate. When I
scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into my ass.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5
other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted
I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops
totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber
dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing
but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter
running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub
it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber.
The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for 2 days because my
asshole was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass!
Tight lines and calm seas,
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