Today's jokes [1.1.19]
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be
able to support you. Why do men pass gas more than women? Because
women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure. One golfer tells
another: "Hey, guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The
other replies: "GREAT trade!" How many men does it take to open a
beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in. What do
you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant. I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always. Losing a wife can be
hard. In my case, it was almost impossible. I haven't spoken to my
wife for 18 months-I don't like to interrupt her. Women are so
unreasonable! My wife gets mad because every Saturday night I take a
bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should
she? Most accidents happen at home. And the men have to eat them! Some
mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep!
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90 percent.... Wedding cake! Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.
Q. What do you call a musician without a significant other?
A woman asks her husband to buy her a fur coat for their 25th anniversary.
"HA!" he snorted. "The day I buy you a fur coat will be the day you can
grow hair on your chest!" On that she hikes up her skirt, drops her
panties, and thrust her pubic area forward, "There! I have hair on my
chest, now buy me the damn coat!" "That's not your chest!" he roars back.
"Damn right it's my chest!" she argued. "Before we got married, this was
your hope chest. On our honeymoon it was your treasure chest. Afterwards
it became our family chest....AND IF YOU DON'T BUY ME A FUR COAT...IT WILL
SOON BECOME THE COMMUNITY CHEST!"
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach
a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pickup truck with the gun rack and the bumper
sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Should you have any questions during the exam,
just raise your hand. This should cause enough
blood to flow to your brain to answer it yourself.
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