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Today's jokes [9.7.18]

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Why did the blonde insist her partner use a condom?

She wanted to save a dogie bag for later.

1. 




At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched
out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where
they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent
white horses.

As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and
waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all
was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and
dignity.

Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the
most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence,
and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their
best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was
a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing
situation.

She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my
regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a
Queen cannot control."

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please
don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said
something I would have assumed it was one of the horses."

2. 




Long, but really funny


...from a Company in USA.

 DATE:    October 01, 2003

RE:         Christmas Party

       I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take 
place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at 
the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll 
have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along. 
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A 
Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees 
can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make 
the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only 
for employees! Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

      Merry Christmas to you and your family.

      Patty
      
===============================================================

      FROM:    Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

      TO:         All Employees

      DATE:    October 02, 2003

      RE:         Holiday Party

       In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish 
employees.  We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which 
often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. 
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same 
policy applies to any other employees who are not C! hristians or those 
still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree 
present. No Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for 
your enjoyment.

      Happy now?

      Happy Holidays to you and your family.

      Patty

        
===============================================================      

      FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

      TO:        All Employees

      DATE:   October 03, 2003

      RE:        Holiday Party

       Regarding the note I received from a member of Alco! holics 
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. 
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table 
that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I 
supposed to handle this?

      Somebody?

      Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed 
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives 
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

      NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

===============================================================

      FROM:  Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

      To:        All Employees

      DATE:   October 04, 2003

      RE:        Holiday Party
     

      What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins 
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking 
during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate 
how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim 
employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your 
meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to 
take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work? Meanwhile, I've 
arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from  The dessert 
buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. 
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with 
Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower 
arrangement for the Gay men'! s table. To the person asking permission to 
cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though. We will have booster seats 
for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We 
cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with 
high blood pressure to taste first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert 
for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!

      Did I miss anything?!?!?

      Patty

        
===============================================================      

      FROM:   Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

      TO:         All Fucking Employees

      DATE:    October  05, 2003

      RE:         The Fucking Holiday Party

       

      Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to 
keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can 
sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so 
quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic 
tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you 
slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW! I 
hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, 

      The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

===============================================================

      FROM:  Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director


      DATE:   October  06, 2003

      RE:        Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
       

      I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy 
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, 
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the 
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

       
      Happy Holidays

3. 




What did the Jewish pedophile ask the little girl? 

- "Hey, little girl, you want to buy some candy?"

4. 




There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement 
home. The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex 
with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex 
with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, 
light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll 
never forget."

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her 
purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, "So, you want the 
romantic night in my room, eh?" 

The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."

5. 



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